[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
This is my favorite one of these!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
You learn something every day
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.