Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
lmao
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Well, this explains it:
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Traveler’s camo
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
#FunnyLife Insects
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.