Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Cake safety first. Always.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.