Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“A little help here, Danny?”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.