Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“no gods no masters” = leo
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through