A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.