My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible