Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Oceanography is all about current events
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.