My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
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I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
🙂🐾
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*