waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like