Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented