When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
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CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Traveler’s camo
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in