Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights 🍝😂
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.