Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights 🍝😂
You Might Also Like
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me, in DM rooms…