this halloween surprise your friends by putting on clown makeup and dying in their attic
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
That earthquake could have been an email.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
j o i m p
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.