[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
The median voter
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.