Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”