Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
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bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
鈥渃an you hook me up with some wifi?”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
tired of seeing everyone鈥檚 boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I saw a woman claiming she鈥檚 pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The symmetry is uncanny.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If there鈥檚 a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I鈥檇 go for a jog but it鈥檚 too [insert current weather].
Liquor Store Parking