By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
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My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window