“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
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Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk