Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
You Might Also Like
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
:/
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.