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DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Fight
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.