Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
CRYING
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”