[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?