Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
😂😂
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If only.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year