Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours