“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
This hospital has everything
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
accurate
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I love it all
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.