Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

how was your vacation

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

#merica

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

this article brought to you by lions

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

live, laugh, laundry.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month