β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
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Bartender: whatβll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we donβt know yet
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. Howβs everyone else holding up?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
π₯π£
Previously On Persistence π
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is βhyugh.β
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back