I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
is this a threat
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“A little help here, Danny?”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible