I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony