I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”