I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.