I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’M CRYINGGG
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Doormats are a gateway rug.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.