My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You Might Also Like
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.