If you know, you know 😂🚔
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I saw this ending much differently.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”