IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?