In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 馃檹
You Might Also Like
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Don鈥檛 send me back to bed if you don鈥檛 want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I didn鈥檛 get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Some days you鈥檙e on top of the world鈥ther days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you鈥檙e just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
You can rain on my parade but please don鈥檛 poop in my punch bowl.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I wouldn鈥檛 mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latt茅?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it鈥檚 within walking distance.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I鈥檝e put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I鈥檓 gonna be sore tomorrow.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren鈥檛 you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I鈥檓 thirsty
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn鈥檛 raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: i鈥檓 sad about this thing
therapist: but it鈥檚 not about that thing
me: ok thx here鈥檚 $175