He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store