In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac