My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
black phone good
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.