just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.