Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I鈥檓 sorry 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Cause of death: Zumba
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad鈥檚 in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That鈥檚 my fault. We鈥檒l try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It鈥檚 going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I鈥檓 wearing spanx and i can鈥檛 breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don鈥檛 know why you wore those it didn鈥檛 even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER