I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs