[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting