The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
The struggle is real.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb