Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You Might Also Like
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.