Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese