βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive meβI will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Adam: happy Motherβs Day, Eve
Eve: itβs tomorrow
Adam: happy Motherβs Day Eve
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Brunch server: βWe need you to leave now.β
My wife: βUm, excuse meβ¦hiccupβ¦you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: Iβd love you more if you bought a pool.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat