Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.