king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.